Monthly Archives: November 2012


People are not things

The reason for the title of this post is that one of the most dehumanising things I see is people being defined as things. I say this because... things can be defined, described, they have fixed attributes, you know what they are and can talk about them with confidence knowing what they are and what to expect. Things are defined, people are not things. People aren't like that. They are not things easily defined, they are many things at all times. Labelling them defines them in some ways. Labels, except in the broadest possible sense are misleading. I think I tend to think of people as an ongoing process, one that changes through time, changes with experience, because of experience, develops and changes constantly to a greater or lesser extent. Things are static, people are not things. The words we use to describe people are useful to communicate descriptions, likes, dislikes, tastes, preferences, thoughts, about people so long as we don't think of people as being wholly defined by those words. This is particularly important where some words are 'loaded' with particular associations. This can lead people to associate value with people dependent on these words separate from that individuals worth. Things don't think, people are not things. We all have facets, we cannot be defined by one of them alone, it's important to remember that people are complex and full of contradictions. Logical, emotional, irrational, evolved and primal. We are in some respects prey to instincts, desires and lusts that we have no control over and are the consequence of millennia old evolutionary processes. Yet we can channel these, control them, use them for pleasure, tap the lizard brain leftovers and be our primal [...]

By | 2017-03-17T09:57:06+00:00 November 24th, 2012|Categories: Community|Tags: , |1 Comment

Who’s in charge in a d/s (dom/sub) relationship?

I just wanted to make a couple of comments about relationships with people who are dom/sub/kinky. The thing about good relationships is that they’re all, partnerships. I often see the mistaken beliefs either that the dom is completely in charge (or a heartless abuser) and the sub is powerless (or a victim), or the equally mistaken one that the sub is in charge (or a manipulator) and controls everything. So who has control really? Both! Both have to agree to their activities, both engage in them together, both are responsible for their actions and to communicate. Both can say no, both can walk away if it’s not working. A relationship that does not fulfil both parties needs is one that I think is doomed to fail. These are real world relationships I'm talking about. Sometimes people are seduced by or try to live a fantasy. Sometimes actually abusive and/or manipulative people use people's desire for these fantasies to try to get them to accept things where normally they would not. If you try to live an unrealistic fantasy that does not acknowledge the humanity and needs of both parties that’s pretty much a recipe for disaster from the word go. The ‘popular’ current ’50 shades’ type of view of dom/sub relationships is nothing like any real long term relationship I can think of any more than the story of O types of fantasy from years ago. Good relationships work because each partner brings something different to the relationship, something that fits with the other partner. Sometimes (but not always) these qualities are opposite or complimentary. They, if you like, ‘fit together’. And as the word partnership implies, or at least should imply… both parts are equally important and equally [...]

By | 2017-03-17T09:57:06+00:00 November 17th, 2012|Categories: Community|Tags: , , |1 Comment

People don’t like the term ‘predator’

I wrote recently a post on Identifying Predatory behaviour. The thing that surprised me was that some people took issue not with what I'd written or the way that I'd written it but with the fact that I described predatory behaviour as... well predatory. Now normally I just sigh and let these comments go but... Here is an example that I'm quoting wholesale. Personally I'd like to see this type of behavior re-branded as 'abusive' rather than 'predatory'. A) because it IS abusive and contains a set of classic warning signs about dangerous/abusive relationships that apply outside the kink setting and only expands upon it within kink. B) there are plenty of folk in the kink community for which being a 'predator' has NOTHING to do with the behaviors listed here and their style is done in the SSC manner we aspire towards. This particular labeling does extreme disservice through being unable to freely talk about and enjoy types of play without having to clear the air of assumed stigmas and warnings from the entire community that don't apply. While there's no with point 'A' argument that yes it is abusive, why not predatory when that is in fact a perfectly good description of what it is? Point 'B' however I do take issue with. My issue with it is frankly, so what? That's their business and I'm not saying that they shouldn't or whatever. It's perfectly plain what I am talking about and what 'predator' means in this context. This final paragraph. I'm going to re-quote it here on its own so we can examine it clearly. This particular labeling does extreme disservice through being unable to freely talk about and enjoy types of play without having to [...]

By | 2017-03-17T09:57:06+00:00 November 8th, 2012|Categories: Community|Tags: , |2 Comments