Some time ago I wrote an article about who’s in control in a D/s relationship. Out of that arose the question of when someone really doesn’t have control.
Regardless of your dynamic within a relationship you are both clearly in charge of the relationship itself so you don’t ever have a situation where you have no choice about what goes on in the relationship or ultimately if you’re in the relationship at all.
So when do you really have no control? I think that one of those occasions could be within a scene where once committed you have no choice but to see it through.
The analogy I’m going to use for this is skydiving! The reason I’m using skydiving as an example is that it fulfills the same kind of criteria as a scene where you have at least temporarily no choice. You have the choice to jump or not right up till the moment of jumping, if you like a point of no return, quite literally in the case of a parachute jump. Yet once you have committed to the jump, once you’re out of our metaphorical aircraft you’re skydiving like it or not and you have no choice but to see it through. You cannot change your mind halfway down.
Now theoretically, in a scene you ‘could’ stop it with a safe word etc. or if really in trouble e.g. a medical emergency. It is easy however to see how someone could in a consensual way give up their safe-word for the duration of a specific scene. That’s ‘could’ I’m not saying if it’s a good idea or not, I’m just saying that you ‘could’ very well do that*.
A thing that’s important to remember is that skydiving or bungee or bobsled or any activity with a point of no return of that nature is that they have a limited duration. They also have that in common with a bdsm scene. You can have no control or ‘free-fall’, but then you get to choose if you want to do it again. This requires further consent a further decision to relinquish control for the duration.
While it is entirely possible to do this for a scene, day, perhaps even a weekend it’s not something that you can do for your whole life. Yes, OK so theoretically you may want to believe that it is possible. In reality life does not work like that. People take their wedding vows and though I really do not doubt that in the moment of taking those vows they truly believe that they will love.honour.obey for their whole lives… back in the real world people are still breaking up, cheating and getting divorced.
Can you have an occasion where there’s no control? Yes you can. But, there is a limit to it.
In reality every leap into the blue requires a moment of decision, a conscious commitment.
If there is no choice then there is no submission.
There is after all a world of difference between someone without a choice being pushed out of an airplane and someone deciding to take that thrilling, heart pounding, committed step into the blue.
*Though to be honest that sentence exists only to stop people going off at a tangent and missing the point of the article and starting a debate about the wisdom of doing that. (See, I’ve been here before.)