The Most Very Universal Laws of Rope Bondage…

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The Most Very Universal Laws of Rope Bondage…

First thing, I did not write these universal laws of rope bondage. Jahc did! I did try to write something similar but in all honesty it wasn’t nearly as fun as these so please enjoy and give credit where it’s due!

I did write these out before, ages ago. But then I buggered off for a while, so it all got deleted. Still, some things never change…

So throw another kitten on the fire, and brace yourself, for you are about to behold the sacred and Most Very Universal Laws of Rope Bondage, its very self!

  1. As soon as your hands are tied behind your back, you will get a hair up your nose.
  2. It is completely impossible to explain to someone else, exactly where on your nose they should scratch.
  3. It does not matter how long a rope is, it will always be either 3″ too short, or too bloody long. All those twirly wrappy things people do are not art, they are just trying to hide the universal truth of this law.
  4. As soon as you mention rope, someone else will say it’s boring, and that cuffs and chains are quicker. This is complete bollocks.

You can take your time and savour the flavours, or fling your string at the speed of fright. By the time they have almost found the right key, almost, honest, I’ll have two maidens hanging from the ceiling, and be contemplating playing conkers.

  1. You do not need knots. Seriously, you don’t.
  2. Whatever you do with rope, some silly sod will tell you it’s Shibari.
  3. Shortly afterwards, some other silly sod will tell you it isn’t, even if it is, and shouldn’t that be kinbaku, anyway?
  4. If you ever ask ‘what IS shibari?’, a half a dozen more silly sods will give you links to the Two Knotty Boys videos.
  5. True Western rope bondage requires a very special hat, and therefore does not exist. We are not allowed to mention the horse, anymore.
  6. Everyone will tell you to stretch out, do yoga, and that sort of thing, to prepare yourself to be tied. Nobody ever does, though.
  7. Discussions about rope safety always end in a fight. They are not good for your health.
  8. You will only ever need your safety shears the one time you haven’t got them. Ergo, if you always have them, you will never need them.
  9. Whatever you do with rope, if you make the pictures black and white and whack the contrast up beyond all reason, everyone will think it’s art.
  10. A true Nawashi is lighter than air, and must therefore be tethered to a suitable tree stump at all times. They cannot really walk on water, that’s just Brownian motion, with wet feet.
  11. Not everyone you see, carrying a tree stump, is actually Nawashi.
  12. You will fuck up, so when you do, make sure it’s funny.
  13. Ripping off and re-posting other people’s pictures will not make you popular, but it almost certainly will piss them off. People will just point and laugh at you, stoopids. Do your own thing, and enjoy it.
  14. You don’t fucking need knots, OK?
  15. There is no one true way, and there’s shitloads of ways to fuck up, as well.
  16. Talking bollocks on the internet is not better than sex. It is a lot less sweaty, though.

If this has thrilled you why not go on and read part the second?

By | 2017-03-17T09:57:06+00:00 July 13th, 2013|Categories: Bondage, Life|3 Comments

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  1. […] Part the First was complete toot, but turned out to be a bit of a hit, amazingly. Shame the sequel is never quite as good…. […]

  2. […] the Part the First, and Part the Second, were fun. Kind […]

  3. […] it’s all a bit annoying, really. Every time I think I have exhausted the Not Really but Slightly Almost Universal Laws of Rope, and Stuff!, I think of another […]

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