The Most Very Universal Laws of Rope Bondage, part the third, the next bit, honest.

Home/Bondage, Life/The Most Very Universal Laws of Rope Bondage, part the third, the next bit, honest.

The Most Very Universal Laws of Rope Bondage, part the third, the next bit, honest.

First thing, I did not write these universal laws of rope bondage. Jahc did! I did try to write something similar but in all honesty it wasn’t nearly as fun as these so please enjoy and give credit where it’s due!

Well, the Part the First, and Part the Second, were fun. Kind of….

I doubt this will be, though.

But hey, I am bored, again, so bung a badger on the barbie, put some bunnies on the boil, fill your face with whatever turns you on (consenting, sentential beings only, obviously), fillet a giblet or three and let’s talk some toot.

And rejoice, once more! Rejoiceth untilst thou shiteth thineself, dearest fiends, for we bringeth you the very latest and most Completely Officialest Bollocks About Rope Bondage, and Stuff!

  1. In order to do rope safely, you must first remove your nervous system. All rope bondage related injuries are caused by having nerves in your body, so it is essential to remove them before you get started, and leave them in a safe place, somewhere. Mine are in a jar on the mantelpiece, and have been for years.
  2. You should never attempt anything, unless you have had close instruction from a Master. Developing the ability to figure things out for yourself will only bring you unhappiness, make your belly hang over your belt and your bum fall off.
  3. Figuring things out for yourself is not blind experimentation. This has been clinically proven in randomised double blind trials, which are really fun, when you get the hang of them. The downside is that the null hypothesis is 100% fatal.
  4. You can break any rope. If you really want to.You might find it more useful to learn how to not break them, though.

Radical solutions, for radical problems.

  1. You do not need to learn the posh names for nerves, to know when your leg is feeling funny. The only nerve you will ever hurt is called ‘That bastard, right there!’, which will be somewhere else, on the next bastard.
  2. It doesn’t matter how obvious it is, that you are prating about and not being entirely serious, because some silly sod will somehow manage take it in earnest and get the hump about it.
  3. Even when you are serious, and bust your bollocks trying to be polite, someone somewhere will somehow manage to misread whatever you say, and get the hump about it. So fuck it, just say it like it is.
  4. Anacondas can be distinguished from bananas, because you can actually tie a knot in an anaconda. But you should be aware that they can also tie knots in you, so it’s best not to bother. Which just goes to show, once again, that you really, really do not need knots!
  5. How fucking many of these fucking Rules do we need, to say it? You do not fucking need knots! Except a sheet bend, sometimes. See Rule 3.
  6. Nothing is ever pure, and absolute. Except bullshit.
  7. If you make all your pictures black and white, and whack the contrast up beyond reason, people look less wrinkly. And it is a lot easier to edit the ashtrays, empty beer cans, your collection of porno DVDs and the comatose cat out of the background, and make it look like you have a proper studio. This is how the professionals do it!
  8. If you make all your pictures black and white, and whack the contrast up beyond all reason, more people will steal them and plaster them all over tumblr. People who post stolen pictures on tumblr are very, very stupid, like that. See Rule 13.
  9. The best way to locate someone’s radial nerve, is to repeatedly thump them in the arm, until they say ‘ow!’.Never fails, that.
  10. It’s the same with leg nerves, except they fall over.
  11. When your cat dies, your pictures immediately become less popular.But you will get lots of temporary sympathy, and lots of people wanting to off load kittens on you. See Rule 26.
  12. Some people have greater natural aptitude for rope-craft than others.But we mustn’t ever say that, because someone, somewhere, will get the hump about it. So just tell everyone that asks stupid questions that they need close instruction from a Master, and recommend they go and find one.
  13. I am not a Master, so please do not send them to me! Unless they are really cute, or stupidly rich, or both, of course.
  14. ‘Reverse engineering’ never works, but stealing an idea, and engineering it for yourself, usually does.
  15. Stealing other people’s pictures pisses them off. Don’t fuck about, show the people that make all those pictures some respect. If you really have to use other people’s pictures, ask their permission, first!
  16. There is no answer to ‘how long is a piece of string’, so there is no end to the number of Almost Rather Slightly Completely Universal Laws, and Stuff, about them.

 

Except that there are always three too many, and three too few.

By | 2017-03-17T09:57:06+00:00 July 14th, 2013|Categories: Bondage, Life|Tags: , , , |1 Comment

About the Author:

One Comment

  1. […] There’s more! How could there not be? […]

%d bloggers like this: