People don’t like the term ‘predator’

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People don’t like the term ‘predator’

I wrote recently a post on Identifying Predatory behaviour. The thing that surprised me was that some people took issue not with what I’d written or the way that I’d written it but with the fact that I described predatory behaviour as… well predatory.

Now normally I just sigh and let these comments go but…

Here is an example that I’m quoting wholesale.

Personally I’d like to see this type of behavior re-branded as ‘abusive’ rather than ‘predatory’.

A) because it IS abusive and contains a set of classic warning signs about dangerous/abusive relationships that apply outside the kink setting and only expands upon it within kink.

B) there are plenty of folk in the kink community for which being a ‘predator’ has NOTHING to do with the behaviors listed here and their style is done in the SSC manner we aspire towards.

This particular labeling does extreme disservice through being unable to freely talk about and enjoy types of play without having to clear the air of assumed stigmas and warnings from the entire community that don’t apply.

While there’s no with point ‘A’ argument that yes it is abusive, why not predatory when that is in fact a perfectly good description of what it is?

Point ‘B’ however I do take issue with. My issue with it is frankly, so what? That’s their business and I’m not saying that they shouldn’t or whatever. It’s perfectly plain what I am talking about and what ‘predator’ means in this context.

This final paragraph. I’m going to re-quote it here on its own so we can examine it clearly.

This particular labeling does extreme disservice through being unable to freely talk about and enjoy types of play without having to clear the air of assumed stigmas and warnings from the entire community that don’t apply.

I mean seriously? You have to be kidding right?

You see the thing is that you don’t see people saying I’m into ‘rape play’ and I don’t want the word ‘rape’ used for rapists because it means I’m unable to talk freely about and enjoy that kind of play without assumed stigmas and warnings from the community that don’t apply!

Well, surprise! People do talk about rape play without saying things like that. People have discussions all the time without people assuming that they’re really rapists. People dress up in school uniform and play without people gormlessly assuming that a statutory rape is being perpetrated. People have partners who are ‘littles’ and talk about being freaking 8 or whatever without people assuming them to be paedophiles.

Do you know why?

Because most of us are not fucking stupid, that’s why!

Because most of us are adults and realise the difference between playing with these concepts and the reality that actual rape is a terrible and horrifying thing. Because grown-ups know that context matters.

In my earlier post I referred to predatory behaviour because it is predatory, these predators prey on the vulnerable. It’s what I wrote it’s what I meant and I have absolutely no sympathy at all with the above quoted ‘opinion’ or with the namby pamby posturing of outrage in the face of the actual issue that the post was about which was people being preyed on by predators.

Do you really think that real predators should not be called predators because some people might like to use the word in another context? Rape shouldn’t be called rape anymore because some people like play rape? Real people really get abused and this is your concern? Really? This is your concern?

Like it or not the use of predator is correct warranted and means exactly what it should in the context of this the post. The desire to water the language until no word is not denuded of real meaning because for some people in a play scenario “being a ‘predator’ has NOTHING to do with the behaviors listed here” is such amazing up your own ass bullshit I can barely find words to describe it.

I posted because real people (some personal friends) have really been preyed on by real predators and this is your chosen response?

Well thank you for posting, thank you for showing us what goes on in what you are pleased to call your mind.

By | 2017-03-17T09:57:06+00:00 November 8th, 2012|Categories: Community|Tags: , |2 Comments

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2 Comments

  1. Styxer December 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Ok, I’m new to reading this kind of thing but I have to say… Thank god, someone is talking sense and please keep it up, You’ve answered so many questions that have been conflicting me for years.

  2. Mrs BeeShi (@mrsbshi) June 2, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    I don’t know where the commenter was from, but here in the US, I unfortunately see the word “predator” being tossed around a lot, often as a weapon in an argument rather than a good-faith effort to keep the community safe, and I do think it is stifling some open discussion.

    First: I *absolutely* agree there are predators in the kink scene, and I think it’s useful to identify common behaviors we should all look out for, as well as patterns of behavior from individuals so that we can identify who those people are.

    However, when people start labeling new people as “predators” because they’ve made some mistakes, or when they start mis-labeling people who really are playing at consensual non-consent (and not just hiding behind that kind of play as a disguise for predatory behavior), we create fear in the minds of those people who play that way, and we lead them to sit out from the discussion and hide their kink for shame or fear of being mis-labeled. This is a shame, because the ones who play this way safely and in good faith with their partners are the very ones who can most help us identify the differences between play and real predatory behavior.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that we need to be more aware that some labels carry real weight and real consequences. If someone is really a predatory, then by all means, call them one. I’m glad you’ve chosen to write about it, because discussion is the best path to greater awareness for all of us.

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