I think there are a lot of times when people over think problems. So I though I’d write a general purpose response to some of these points that reoccur a lot.
Imagine pretty much any problem where people are coming up with complicated ways to safeguard against bad behaviour.
The kind of bad behaviour? Well generally people being dickheads, not respecting people’s boundaries, violating consent, just pushing consent, taking stupid risks when performing, etc. etc.
See the problem here is that people are being dickheads!
Being a dickhead is not a problem that can be solved with policy, procedure or negotiation classes. No matter how much of this you do dickheads are still dickheads and still do the dickhead things they were going to do anyway. Why? All together now, because they’re dickheads.
It would be nice to be able to live in a perfect world but just in case you hadn’t noticed, we don’t!
Life has dickheads in it, it just does.
I’m going to suggest that the only real way to tackle this is for dickheadedness to be unacceptable and to recognise when it’s dickheadedness that you’re dealing with.
For instance if when someone pulls a dickhead move they protest that they didn’t know they were meant to act like a grown up intelligent human with actual agency and morals and the ability to know right from wrong and oh, if only they had known X, Y or Z. And you say yes, you’re right there does need to be better guidelines or education on being human or procedures to stop you acting like a sociopath, what you are is complicit in their abdication of personal responsibility.
How is it possible do you think that all other things being equal some people go their whole lives without having any real consent or negotiation problems but others repeatedly have consent issues that incredibly no amount of talking seems to stop?
I believe it’s because they’re dickheads who are just always going to push past what they know they’ve agreed, that are always going to opportunistically exceed limits when they can because they do not respect those limits. And the do not respect those limits because they do not respect the people they are playing with.
The only way to cure dickhead problems is for people to stop being dickheads. Unfortunately the ability to cure dickheadedness has thus far escaped humanity.
Sometimes people grow out of it, sometimes they don’t. We must of course hope that they do but we have no guarantee that they will.
I wish that it was other than it is. I wish there was some simple answer to stop people doing stupid, arrogant or just plain abusive things. But there isn’t, much as we might like to fondly imagine that there is.
It’s a human problem.
It’s a dickhead problem.