This article is one of those that you wish didn't need to be written about. However here I am writing it anyway.
So what is is that I'm going to write about here that I wish I wasn't? Rope inflicted injuries!
Rope isn't safe, especially not suspension. However having said that it doesn't mean that we should accept injuries as a matter of course, they should be few and far between. I am horrified when people shrug off injuries to models with an 'oh well, these things happen'. Well once in a while maybe. When there are repeated injuries occurring it's time to ask yourself some serious questions.
When it comes to injuries some people are more 'unlucky' than others. Generally the better a rigger is the 'luckier' they tend to get. Bad riggers just tend to have more 'accidents' the more they rig.
Now I would expect someone who has inflicted multiple injuries to stop rigging so much, to go and look at the common themes in these injuries, to work very hard to stop them occurring again. What I'm horrified to hear is 'well these things happen'. Yeh, they happen to you don't they? Can we guess why?
When it happens to multiple models in multiple sessions you have to look for the factor that's common to all the injuries. And that common factor is likely to be the person tying. In all the tying I've done, all the models, all the time, all the suspensions I've had 3 nerve injuries. Two of those I've identified the cause and can ensure that they won't happen again. One I simply have no concrete idea, I've spoken to medical professionals, never had the same problem with other models and just can't pin it down and believe me I've tried. Given all that I still feel that it's too many injuries. I'd like to not have another one. I know that the possibility is always there, it's a risk that has to be recognised and born for what we do. It's not one to be taken on lightly either.
So, what about someone that's causing injuries as a matter of course? Who shrugs it off, oh it was 'unlucky', a 'peculiarity' of the model, just 'one of those things'? It's not just one of those things if it keeps happening. If it keeps happening then something is wrong. And that thing... is you!
Please, please, if you keep having 'accidents' like this be grown up enough to realise that it's not in fact 'unlucky' it's bad rigging. And if you're not up to owning this and doing something about it then you are a bad rigger and should not be trusted to tie up anyone knowing not just that injury is possible but that it's likely and, knowing that you don't know what you're doing well enough to prevent it happening over and over.
I wish I was not writing this. I wish I did not see this. If it was just one person then maybe I still would not be writing this but as I see again and again that there are those so arrogant and wilfully self deluded that they will put repeated 'accidents' down to anything other than their own incompetence I feel it's better that I do for all the slim hope I have that it might do some good.
The desire to be inclusive and have balanced discussion on bondage related topics is a commendable one. If you are able to include people that you de-facto do not agree with in conversation this can lead to interesting debate. Including a variety of opinions even those that do not agree with your own is seen as even handed and reasonable.
It is a noble and worthwhile aim.
Sometimes people get this exactly right, they include intelligent and reasonable people of all views in debate. It results in some of the more interesting forum discussions.
Sometimes though people let their desire to be seen as even handed and reasonable allow that desire to override good sense and they invite people not on the grounds that they are sensible, reasonable and intelligent contributors of all views, but simply because they disagree.
Sometimes people disagree because they are fundamentally wrong but cannot see this, sometimes because they lack the mental wherewithal to understand the argument, sometimes because they hold some ridiculous dogma and therefore lack the capacity to debate and sometimes they're just plain old fashioned mentalists.
Inclusiveness does not mean "I must include my everyone because they're opposed". Neither does it mean including a representative of every conceivable view, no matter how loony-tunes it may be. What it really means is including those that have a contribution to make from all viewpoints... providing that they are legitimate view points. Deciding what is a 'legitimate' view-point can be tricky to an extent but really just involves your ability to see if the position can be argued rationally or not regardless of your agreeing with it or not.
Including people just because 'they disagree' is not even handed, rational or likely to promote debate. And doing it doesn't make you look 'statesmanlike' it makes you look like a prat!
Common sense is not in actual fact, all that common.
'Common' sense is in fact the product of not only experience, but also of learning from it. It is not some innate something that magically turns up all by itself.
Sometimes people who are new to the scene do things and we look at them and think they have no common sense at all.
There are occasions where these lapses are due to a simple lack of knowledge, sometimes due to a failure to apply general life lessons to a specific circumstance. Sometimes people genuinely do things that aren't sensible in a way that has nothing to do with scene specific knowledge. (Sorry no free pass just for being new on general sense)
The crucial thing and the means to acquire sense is to learn from experience. Not only kink experience but also general life experience too. It's important to remember that normal life does not end where kink begins, there is not a sudden demarcation where something that was just plain insanely dumb in general life became something you couldn't possibly have guessed about within a kink context. (OK so here's a really naff example. It's generally not a good idea to nip off without telling anyone with nobody to miss you and no idea of the character of the person you're meeting in a private setting for intimacy in the vanilla world, it's still not sensible in the kink world.) Yes, that's an extreme example, No it's just for illustration. No it's not the only kind of thing I'm thinking of. Yes it's just one example from many that might be made.
Also a really good thing is to learn from the experience of others. You don't have to make every mistake personally in order too learn. It should be pretty obvious that you don't actually have to get third degree burns before you realise that holding your hand in a naked flame is a bad idea. The whole human race worked that out long ago and so thoroughly that it got built in.
There are a whole slew of things that people do that ought to be obviously contrary to common sense though. This is why I think that 'common' sense is a misnomer. It's just not that common.
Every day people do things that have obviously and publicly been seen to go wrong, yet still they get done.
And yet... in some circumstances what we might from an experienced point of view think was obvious common sense is not obvious to people with less experience.
They key to our sympathies should probably be spotting the difference.
Surely it should be obvious where people screwed up because they simply didn't know and when they just did something that was stupid on a universal level right? I mean we shouldn't think people are stupid because they just didn't know something, shake our heads and dismiss their misfortune as a lack of common sense.
Where's the sense in that?
Sometimes people deceive themselves with a wishful thinking that the world is other than it is.
They do this in their pursuit of a fantasy.
In doing so they deprive themselves of the joys of this beautiful, wondrous and surprising reality.
We find great joy in our fantasies, they are wonderful playgrounds of the mind and should be enjoyed as such.
They should not be the basis of a denial of the very reality from which we construct the very stuff not only of our dreams but also our achievements.
It is in reality where we may love that which is before us and not that which we hope may be if we wish for it enough.
Though we are different, and though what we bring to the relationship is different. One's contribution is not less than the other.
Though one needs to dominate and one needs to submit. One is nothing without the other and their worth is balanced.
As people we are enhanced and lifted each by the other and not by virtue only of our part within our relationship.
The way we choose to live does not make one less than the other.
However you live, however you run your life, whatever your dynamic, any good relationship must consider the needs of each person not only the fulfilment of one and not the other no matter which way you find your fulfilment, through control or through losing it.
This is an equal relationship. It exists because of the needs, desires and love of those within it.
I just wanted to make a couple of comments about relationships with people who are dom/sub/kinky.
The thing about good relationships is that they’re all, partnerships. I often see the mistaken beliefs either that the dom is completely in charge (or a heartless abuser) and the sub is powerless (or a victim), or the equally mistaken one that the sub is in charge (or a manipulator) and controls everything.
So who has control really? Both!
Both have to agree to their activities, both engage in them together, both are responsible for their actions and to communicate. Both can say no, both can walk away if it’s not working.
A relationship that does not fulfil both parties needs is one that I think is doomed to fail.
These are real world relationships I'm talking about. Sometimes people are seduced by or try to live a fantasy. Sometimes actually abusive and/or manipulative people use people's desire for these fantasies to try to get them to accept things where normally they would not. If you try to live an unrealistic fantasy that does not acknowledge the humanity and needs of both parties that’s pretty much a recipe for disaster from the word go. The ‘popular’ current ’50 shades’ type of view of dom/sub relationships is nothing like any real long term relationship I can think of any more than the story of O types of fantasy from years ago.
Good relationships work because each partner brings something different to the relationship, something that fits with the other partner. Sometimes (but not always) these qualities are opposite or complimentary. They, if you like, ‘fit together’. And as the word partnership implies, or at least should imply… both parts are equally important and equally responsible.
I recently wrote a short article on being new to the scene. In all honesty it got a lot more of a reaction that I'd been expecting. It was really just about sense and taking care of yourself as a newcomer to the scene.This is by no means comprehensive but it does include a few of the more obvious warning signs off the top of my head.
- Attempting to isolate you from information.
- Attempting to isolate you from your friends.
- Attempting to prevent you from talking to experienced people within the scene.
- Ignoring limits.
- Being told that you can't have limits.
- Being told that slave contracts are legaly binding.
- Telling you that theirs is the only true way.
- Extravagant and unrealistic claims of experience.
- Stories changing and becomeing more exagerated.
- An attitude that there's nothing for them to learn.
In a way it's a little depressing. I've been into kink for more than 20 years now and I can remember people talking about predators when I first found the local scene. The advice I can give and the signs to identify the predatory time are little changed in all that time. From since before the internet (if you can believe there was such a time) the cycles of human behaviour have remained much the same.
I think that the majority of, shall we say, unfortunate incidents that happen in the kink scene occur when the unethical manage to meet the unprepared!
When either I or my partner meet someone new into kink our instinct is to point them at useful and informative resources, try to answer questions and to give them some space to learn and find their feet.
Others don't want them to learn. Or find their feet. They want to take advantage of the new persons ignorance.
Normally I try quite hard to post in a logical manner, however sometimes I 'blog angry' when something happens to especially tick me off. In the interests of full disclosure, the kind of person that exploits others inexperience and take advantage of that tick me off. Posturing ass holes tick me off. Scummy, manipulative fucktards... tick me off!
The most ticking thing is that... well they're pathetic. If they didn't prey on the vulnerable they'd be SOL they have nothing that would actually attract someone to them, they're totally unlovable and worthless.
They would, of course be utterly pitiable if it wasn't for the fact that they hurt people. Prey on the vulnerabilities and weaknesses of others, of course they go after the vulnerable because they are fundamentally weak people who cannot cope with people who aren't vulnerable.
When I say 'weak' I mean of course that they're cowards. Morally, intellectually and emotionally.
After all people who are healthy aren't afraid of people who are strong, or of knowledge or of people having different opinions or of the independence of mind of their partners, don't need to seek out weakness. Their need to prey on the weakness of others only highlights their own fear and cowardice.
These people thrive in the silence of others, in the shame and fear of those that they manipulate.
Some people who have encountered these worthless fucktards have come out through these trials, emerged strong and unafraid. You can only admire those that have. It is their courage that saves others from meeting the same fate time and time again. To those people, I absolutely salute you.
A friend of ours posted an article about her experiences on finding the kink world. It's bravely written and very worthwhile reading so I wanted as many people as possible to see it.
I reproduce her article here with her permission
The post I thought I’d never write; Shame, Silence and Ethics in BDSM
Grab a coffee..this one’s going to be lengthy.
I'm sitting here today about to write a post I never thought I would have the guts to write. I've thought about it over the years, but for many reasons which will become clear decided against it.
Over the past couple of days my account on Fetlife has been very busy. My inbox has been flooded with messages, my previous post has had many comments (sorry for not replying to all of them) and I've felt quite overwhelmed with what has been going on both in public and behind the scenes.
When I wrote that post on Saturday I was pissed. I was angry and I couldn't help but put myself into the shoes of all the women that the post that sparked all this referred to. I didn't take any personal insult from it myself but I was fucking cross on behalf of other people.
I've never wanted to write up my personal story, I never intended to and even yesterday morning I felt that to do so would leave me open to accusations of having a personal axe to grind. I didn't want that, I didn't want my message to be written off as one from an angry bitter ex, I didn't want to give this person that card to attempt to play with, because truly that is not how I feel.
But the last couple of day’s events have taken over to the extent where I've had a complete rethink and I've changed my mind. I've changed it because actually my personal experience DOES matter, it matters because so many women share similarities with me and are not only fearful of speaking up but are currently locked into a process of self-hatred and shame. And despite everything, I've shared that feeling of shame over the years and so have never posted publicly with my story, and have only spoken in detail about it to a few people.
I want to speak a bit about the things I've kept quiet, and how they have impacted me. This post is aimed at other people who have had similar experiences, either with the same person in question or from a wider point of view. I also want to speak to people beginning their travels into BDSM and hopefully share some information that could come in handy.
In the Autumn of 2008 I had my first ever BDSM experience. I had only split recently with the father of my then 2 year old son. I was suffering from post-natal depression and was adjusting to life as a single parent, as well as beginning a Masters degree. I’d thought about BDSM for a long time before I did anything, it was actually one of the reasons I split with my ex (amongst other things) and I was enjoying my new-found freedom both from that relationship and also the grind of having a small baby.
I typed ‘BDSM Meet’ into Google one night after a few glasses of wine and a site called Alt.com popped up. I registered that night. After a few days I found a profile of someone who did orgasm denial and chastity. I found the profile to be well-written and there seemed to be plenty of women on the blog associated with it and ‘testimonial’ section who had positive, even amazing, things to say about it all so I was immediately curious. The person appeared well-established and like they knew what they were talking about. I’d never heard of orgasm denial / control before and I was curious. So I sent a message asking about it.
Within days of that message we were in contact via the phone. My first ‘task’ before I’d ever even spoken to this person was to leave a voicemail having an orgasm on his phone. I did it, thinking it was all terribly sexy and exciting. I saw a headshot which I thought looked fine (I only later discovered it was over a decade old) but other than that I had no idea what he looked like, only his voice, we never cammed in the time I knew him. We began to talk on the phone.
He asked me to orgasm deny for a few days to see if I could do it, as a sort of ‘challenge’. I am pretty up for a challenge at the best of times and didn't actually think I would be able to do it, so I agreed..I thought it sounded really exciting and sexy. And actually it really was!!! From that moment on until we ended things I was orgasm denied. This brand of orgasm control is not just about not having orgasms. You had to do ‘edges’ and ‘ruins’ as well. An ‘edge’ is where you masturbate to the point of orgasm and then stop and a ‘ruin’ is where you go until your orgasm is starting and then stop. You never have a full orgasm so are constantly horny and sexual and also thought processes get a little messy. If you have never experienced prolonged orgasm denial and control like this it is hard to explain how quickly it can alter your thought processes, but I assure you it can. Ever had that moment when you are thinking of something crazy intense in the heat of the moment and then you cum and go..whoa wtf was THAT all about? Think of that head-state but without the ‘wake up’ after orgasm part.
After a little while of this he took to calling me up, and sending a LOT of text messages with instructions about orgasm denial stuff..was not unusual to have to do like 20 or 30 edges in a row and then ruins as well, which is quite intense. I thought all this was great fun and exciting too. I was also being told a lot about how BDSM worked and the ‘hierarchy’ (i.e. from Sunday player to slave) and what it would take to be taken seriously BDSM-wise and reach the level of ‘slave’ which meant you were at the top of the ‘hierarchy’. (I know I KNOW, but I wanted to be accepted in this new world).
So he would call and I would ‘edge’ on the phone whilst he talked to me. The first few conversations were more questions to see my reactions to different sexual and BDSM things. Some were fairly ‘tame’ like public exposure, humiliation stuff like that. And then he started in on the more extreme / taboo things. He tried out incest and bestiality, both of which I was really like ‘NO’ about and then hit on extreme torture, BDSM ‘snuff’ and ‘dolcett’. Dolcett is like art-work and stuff and a fantasy thing which involved killing and eating girls mainly and stuff like cooking women on spits things like that. Never heard of it before and was quite disturbed by this but also we spent hours on the phone with me masturbating and him talking about it and I was excited by the torture / masochistic ‘snuff’ stuff in a way I couldn’t really explain at the time, a mixture of emotions. I guess taboo stuff is like that although this has been my one and only experience with it.
So after more of this he sent me websites about dolcett and ones with written stories on them and got me to start looking up stories for him and send them to him about snuff, extreme BDSM torture and dolcett. Dolcett was not really my bag per se but I went along with it. I was much more interested in the extreme torture thing as it tapped into my masochistic fantasies in a VERY extreme way. We arranged for a meet and leading up to this meet he asked me to write him a story. I thought the task was to write a story in the style of these stories id been sending him so I wrote an extreme dolcett / snuff / torture story and sent it. Turns out he was actually after my fantasies of what I wanted to happen on our meet so I did it wrong anyway, but it is quite an extreme piece of writing. I don’t have it any longer but I have been assured (of course) that he has kept it.
So the meet got closer and he told me my instructions which were to do with clothing to bring (high heels, stockings and a short skirt), to tell no-one where I was going and turn up and be prepared for anything to happen to me, including being ‘snuffed’. I obviously did not think for a minute he would do any of these things, however I DID say yes to this when I was masturbating on the phone to him and also I turned up to the meet without having set up a safe call. I had no-one to set one up with anyway. I knew no-one outside of him in a BDSM context, he already had all of my passwords to my email and Alt.com account, I was banned from talking to other dominants and I was also banned straight away from certain submissives as well. I was busy and spending hours texting and on the phone with him as well as my work, family and uni responsibilities and I spent approximately ZERO time researching any of this BDSM stuff for myself. I just followed what he said. Really you could write this into a textbook of what NOT to do when you begin in BDSM!
When I got to this first ever meet I had to text just before I got there. Then he texted back and said I had to go inside get into my outfit and put a blindfold on. So I did. He then came up behind me and put chains on me (and this was the first time I realised he was morbidly obese..which is relevant in so far as he had told me he was an average to ‘bigger’ size. I was intimidated by his size he was at least 3 times my weight) and then blindfolded he put a pen in my hand and made me sign a piece of paper which he said gave him permission to do anything he wanted to me, including dolcett / snuff. I was scared but I signed it (I later heard it was a pizza menu, although I’ve no idea if that’s true or not, I’ve never seen it).
We went upstairs and I thought some masochistic stuff was going to happen but all that actually happened was I sucked his cock for quite some time, still blindfolded. Then he said another girl was coming, even though we had already agreed on the phone that I didn't want to be around another girl on my first ever meet. I didn't feel able to argue and when the girl showed up I had to let her in. This girl turned out to be X who is now one of my closest friends and so a good thing came out of that part. What I did not know at the time however was that she was only not long 18 and also had been being groomed into dolcett fantasies. From there the meet was more around me and her pleasuring him and a bit of light caning and housework. We were not allowed safe-words, no-one was. At that time he also insisted his girls wore blindfolds at ALL times. I've only ever looked him in the eye once or twice. The rest of the time blindfolded or if blindfold up with my back to him.
From there the meets were less extreme in terms of snuff / dolcett for me personally, although not for my friend who went solo one time and got horribly burned in a Hitachi Wand accident. Over time he lost interest in it as a fantasy I think and really a lot of what followed was a lot more tame.
A few incidents such as having my ass burnt with a hot iron without my consent and non-consensual face-slapping stick out in my mind but overall I was becoming more and more disillusioned with it all. I am not poly and he expected poly-mono. I spoke with another dominant on IM who mailed me and tried to warn me off him but I told my dominant I’d had the conversation and was accused of cheating on him.
After a couple more months I was pissed off to fuck with not orgasming and becoming more and more argumentative and bolshie as I realised just how inconsistent the whole ‘service’ was and how little info he’d allowed me to have outside of him. Having read more and got a little more info I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and feeling ‘played’ BDSM wise and that he’d been highly manipulative. It was easy enough to forget about the dolcett stuff because I felt really weird about it anyway, or push it to the back of my mind at least.
After only four months it was over. What followed was him telling everyone I had contacted him begging him to kill me. That I wanted to die, I was a depressive and had mental health issues and cheated on him and stalked him and stuff like that. He told everyone I was a terrible mother for travelling to him without telling anyone and that he was only trying to ‘save’ me in case I contacted an actual nutter who really did want to kill me. He has repeated these rumours for YEARS, they still filter down to me now, twisting every little thing to fit this story and paint me in a way that attempts to discredit my real concerns with his actions.
I’ve been accused of stalking him , that I keyed his car, that I threatened his life and that I made numerous harassing calls to him, that I would sit outside his house and stare at him for hours...the list goes on and on and on. He wrote post after post about me, got others to do the same and bullied me non-stop for well over two years. It only stopped properly when I began modelling and all of a sudden he wanted to know me. Suddenly he felt he could get something from knowing me, i.e. a boost to his standing by saying a fetish model is one of his exes.
I could go on and on with other incidents but these are the facts that I wanted to share, the one’s I've kept quiet about.
Why have I kept quiet? Because I was ashamed. Firstly I was ashamed of the story I wrote and the Dolcett stuff which I find personally pretty sickening now. I am aware others might enjoy extreme edge play (which I now know it to have been. Not that I knew it then), but in this way it was only ever really something I allowed myself to be led into and since then have never had any sort of wish to explore it. I was ashamed because it was used against me in two of my weak spots...my role as a mother and the fact I have suffered from depression over the years and am an ex self-harmer.
I was called a bad mother for going somewhere without a safe call..and for a long time I really believed that was true and it kept me quiet. But really what do I have to be ashamed of? Yes I was fucking stupid, I should NEVER have gone somewhere without a safe call. I have learnt from that and it does not make me a bad mother, it just means I was a dickhead for a short space of time.
I was also ashamed because like all good manipulations the ‘dying’ thing had a grain of truth to it. Like many depressives I have often wished not to be here anymore, I’ve even expressed that wish to others. Not that I want to kill myself or be killed ffs, just that I don’t want to live with the pain any longer. Some days I still feel that way.
But those feelings were used against me to discredit me, to shame me, to show why I was ‘crazy’ and a nutter if I tried to speak out about the poor behaviour of this person.
And I am NOT the only one this has happened to.
So I'm telling what happened to me now in the hope other people see this and get something positive out of it. I'm also writing it for me so I can finally put that shame to bed once and for all.
Dominating someone, being a party to their secret fantasies and desires, exploring their sexuality with them and their sometimes intense feelings comes with a huge responsibility. People are NOT there to be manipulated into fulfilling someone else’s fantasies and then have those used against them if things do not go well.
It is completely unethical for a person to act in this manner, to enforce scenes which are not only incredibly intense to a total novice but then use those very scenes in order to shame the person who took part in them.
Humiliation scenes for example then used as potential blackmail, not the consensual type, the real type. Videos, pictures...posted or left up without consent. No safeword even on very first meets. Violating safety by not allowing a safe-call, and then using that to bully a person for years? Setting up edge-play scenes without even informing a newbie that’s what they were?
This is NOT ethical behaviour.
I just want to say to anyone who has been through anything
similar..please..do NOT feel ashamed and blame yourself. I personally am a well-educated, sensible woman and a responsible mother. I managed to lose my head entirely and make a lot of decisions and go along with a lot of things that I look back on and think ‘bloody hell what WERE you thinking?!’. My thought processes were deeply affected by the orgasm control, I believe it to be a powerful tool and one that in the wrong hands can be extremely dangerous.
Yes it is important for all of us that we learn from these experiences, ensure we protect ourselves better the next time, and take that personal responsibility on.
But we must also not forget that we can only shoulder so much guilt and self-blame when we have been used and manipulated and shamed and scared by someone who has done this to countless women, has been doing it for years. Not every single one of course, abusers NEVER act that way ALL of the time, or even to ALL the people they are around. It is one of many reasons why they can carry on doing what they do undetected. Each person is different and each will have a different story, some more extreme than others.
I want everyone who reads this to know that I WAS ashamed for years. I never felt I would talk about this publicly and my ex fucking knew I wouldn’t. He KNEW what would get to me, my fear of being painted crazy and suicidal, my fear of being a bad mother..my SHAME at those things...and boy he used it, he used it really well. Just as he uses others fears and shame against them after being charm personified to worm his way in enough to figure out what will work on each woman.
Guess what? I'm not ashamed anymore I made some mistake yes, but I never hurt anyone..the only one who got hurt was me. He has no power over me anymore no way of making me feel guilty or bad or silent or ashamed. It feels fucking awesome.
I know some others who have had these experiences are not there yet, but you will be. Shame and silence are terrible bed-fellows, they make it all so much worse. Shame thrives in silence. But they can be overcome and you can move forward from experiences such as this.
I want my story to also serve as notice to people just finding their feet in the scene, to encourage them to take it slowly and to learn and question everything. Be VERY wary of anyone who tells you there is only one way to do things, or tries to isolate you from information or other forms of support.
There is usually a very good reason for this.
BDSM and kink can be so wonderful. So powerful. So enjoyable. So fun and so fucking sexy. But it can also attract dangerous people who will use it in ways that damage others.
Be careful, stay safe and ultimately...have fun!! It’s what it’s about really. Exploration, growth and fun. Not shame, not fear, not feeling bad about yourself. That’s not kink. That’s just fucked.
OK so not just bondage related here. This is unfortunately the kind of thing that just applies to anyone new to kink.
When you're new predators will try to prey upon you. They honestly will!
When you are new is when you most need to be careful. Plenty of people will promise you anything, say anything, they will lie... to get into your pants.
These same people will talk about honesty, they will talk about honour, they will 'talk' with great conviction.
No not everyone you meet will be a predator, not everyone will be conniving and manipulative. Not everyone will lie to you. Not everyone, but some will. They will pick on you specifically because you don't have experience, the particular vital experience that would allow you to know that you're dealing with a predator, that's why they go for you, because they know you aren't equipped with a fully functional bullshit detector yet.
People who have met these scene predators often look back at the bullshit they were once fed and wonder how they could have eaten it, how could it not have made them throw up at the time? How could they not smell it?
It is because of those people that you must be careful. The temptation to dive headlong into a new world is massive, the temptation to believe it when someone tells you exactly what you want to hear.
You must, without destroying your faith in humanity be wary, you must defend yourself. And you defend yourself with sense, with caution and with learning and with finding out about people before taking the breaks off and diving into the deep end.
If that sounds a bit of a buzz kill it really doesn't have to be. Learning the proper safety and training for skydiving does not I promise diminish the thrill of the actual jump. And avoiding the bad outcomes of an avoidable mistake is worth a little effort.
I am NOT saying don't trust anyone, I am saying take care of yourself and exercise reasonable caution while entering a new world that you're unfamiliar with. Predators function by exploiting the newcomers ignorance.
I've said this before about rope work but get plenty of references before you play with people, and if you go to the trouble of getting references pay attention to what they say. Talk to people, people that know them, people that played with them. Observe how they play and conduct themselves.
It sounds like a lot of effort but chained up in some cellar without the option to walk away isn't the moment to think "Hang on I don't know a thing about this guy" or "Hey I said not to do that!".
Sadly there are also complete fucktards who see the scene as an endless supply of dumb newbies that will swallow any crap and then be too ashamed or frightened to speak out against them. In the worst cases blackmailers and cynical manipulators that threaten to 'out' people report them to social services, publish the pictures or whatever.
This kind of behaviour leads to people leaving the scene; and who can blame them with this kind of early experience. This also plays into the hands of the less than ethical as it removes people who could warn those that follow from the scene.
You do have to sort the wheat from the chaff. The good people in the scene do understand that, others are less prone to be sympathetic to the idea that you need time to find your feet before you let someone sweep you off them.
There are great people in the scene though, wonderful, generous, warm hearted sadistic, masochistic, kinky, perverted and depraved... absolutely lovely people and you shouldn't let the few bad ones blind you to that.