Tying like me.
Sometimes people say that they would love to learn to tie like me. Can I teach them?
First I have to say that I consider these requests to be some of the highest compliments you can receive as someone teaching bondage. It really is personally something of a thrill when someone says something like that. It is however not possible.
I can't teach people to tie like me. But it's possible that I can, given time help them to do something much more satisfying and help them to learn how to tie like them.
I, no matter how much I may wish to can never tie like one of the greats that I admire. I can learn from them. I can observe them, I can be inspired by their ties. I can emulate some of their tying to better understand it. I cannot however really understand their thought, feeling or style completely. It effects mine but it is not mine. Their inspiration and something of their aesthetic that struck a chord with me however does become part of my style. And a persons style grows over time with the accumulation of experience, practice, observation, and study.
As a teacher I can I think help people to embark on their personal rope bondage journeys. I can never travel it for them though. Their journey is not mine, mine is not theirs, my experience cannot be theirs either, though they can benefit from it.
It can be that you see a disappointed face when you tell someone that they cannot learn to tie as you do. But for those that have the potential to do well they will grasp that this is not a bad thing. It is an opportunity for self discovery, to know yourself, to be yourself. Surely this is a good thing?
I cannot teach you to tie like me, be glad of that.
Self taught
Often online I see people advised to go and get tuition, especially when it comes to suspension. This is a perfectly reasonable piece of advice; and yet people argue against it with such phrases as 'so and so was self taught and they're good'.
OK that's a point of view but for the most part those that are 'self taught' are those that didn't have access to competent teachers. They had to learn by trial thought and unfortunately on occasion error. Just because it's possible to learn that way it doesn't mean it's an ideal way of learning and certainly doesn't recommend it as a preferable path.
I have something of an issue with the phrase 'self taught' in any case. I have learned from many people, most of whom have not 'taught' me at all but who I've learned from by observation. Technically you can say I taught myself but in reality some my knowledge was derived from theirs. I have built on this knowledge, drawn my own conclusions, made my own explorations too. It is this that allows us to develop, be individual, make our own contributions.
This is true to some extent for everyone. Nobody, even those held up as examples of the self taught live in a vacuum. From the moment you become aware of the work of others you cannot help but be informed by it.
We are all inspired by, learn from, our contemporaries and those that went before. In this world of mass communication, the internet, video and books, we are never truly isolated from information. With easy international travel we are no longer isolated from the best teachers even if they are on the other side of the world.
Lizard brain leftovers
I can’t help thinking that there is a duality in humanity between the ‘civilised’ lives we lead and the primal urges lurking beneath the surface. I think that this duality of humanity is of great relevance and interest in terms of BDSM where we create a framework within which we can exploit, play with and enjoy our fundamental desires consensually.
Typically we build sophisticated structures to exploit and extract these urges. We use language, visual imagery, clothing, even technology to enhance the experience. Often something ritualistic surrounds these practices.
I think that as humans we can’t help but use, or if you like pervert the practices of everyday modern life into instruments of pleasure and pleasurable pain. A massager is turned into vibrating genital stimulator, cooking implements into impact toys, and of course, rope into an instrument of bondage and domination.
With every advance in technology comes an advance in human pleasure, Tesla coils power violet wands originally intended for health purposes for electrical stimulation and torture. Tens units invented for muscular rehabilitation for the torture of the helpless twitching ‘victim’.
All this to serve our most base instincts. And yet this is not a runaway process. We do not generally let ourselves run over into actual abuse. We require consent, even for the theoretically non-consensual aspects of our play. Sometimes this sounds convoluted and illogical. And yet we cannot deny that this is the case.
This then is the duality that causes a struggle. Our evolution makes us a tool using, reasoning, social creature but also we remain the animal, the primal lust filled beast.
Perhaps it’s a wonderful achievement is the satisfaction of both of these in kink. We control our primal lusts, fencing them around with ritual and social custom even where the normal social customs did not reach. We make our partners satisfaction part of the satisfaction or our own by seeking out complimentary partners. In the triumph of our social selves, the control of the primal, and yet the satisfaction of it too without descending into abuse we find again that which is unique about humanity.
I think that this makes us more human not less.
When I think of rope
When I think of rope it is such a humble thing, such a workman like product of the artisan. Such a simple thing with which to enthral the senses and to bind the body and spirit of another.
And yet, in this unassuming and humble item we find the perfect means for the expression of our desires to capture utterly the spirit, mind and body of another.
Our rope becomes the extension of ourselves that reaches where we cannot, that embraces beyond our reach and holds beyond our strength.
Because of this our rope becomes personal to us in a special way. Like the tool of a craftsman. So we care for and attend to the needs of our rope as we care for something with a value we cannot express. We prepare and ready it for its role, we care for it after use.
It is after all, an extension of ourselves in our most intimate endeavours.
What we do changes who we are.
What we do changes who we are, we are made of our memories and our experiences. When we engage in an activity or a course of action the experience of that, the memory the sensations becomes part of us. The person we are after the experience is therefore a different one to the person before the experience.
Sometimes I wonder if taking pleasure in self gratifying activities makes a person more selfish but finding gratification in the giving and sharing of pleasure makes us more sharing and selfless, at least in the some areas of activity.
It is said that people don't change, but I do not believe this. I believe that we change all through our lives to a greater or lessor extent. How much we change and in what direction I think we can, at least to some extent consciously direct.
You can decide to take a selfish path or a less selfish one. You can decide to learn or to remain in ignorance. You can decide to admit your faults and repair them or you can deny them and remain as you are. You can admit when you are wrong and learn or you can twist and rage afraid of admitting your mistake. I think many decisions to take the more destructive path are born of fear and insecurity. A fear of becoming somehow less for admitting weakness or error when in truth you cannot grow, become stronger or learn without accepting and then repairing your weakness or accepting new learning.
Perhaps it is strange that the practice of bondage, the desire to be open and connected with my partner has lead me to examine these issues over the years and to wish to learn, grow, understand, not only myself but my partner in ways that lead to a richer interaction. Or perhaps it is not. Perhaps it is the decision to pursue this path has lead me to this. What I have done has changed who I am.
Does your work speak for you?
Does your work speak for you?
I'm connected to my work, it's a part of me, it comes out of me and so I cannot help it being part of me, speaking for part of me, expressing part of me.
However it's not all of me and only connects to some aspects of my 'self'.
They are aspects that I think are important. At least they seem so to me so in this context they are.
If your work doesn't speak at least 'of you' and to some extent 'for you' then maybe you're not doing what you should.
Does my work speak for me?
Yes of course, how could it not?
Be gentle with yourself.
Go placidly amid the noise & haste, & remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak you truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself to others you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness.
With all it's sham and drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be Cheerful!
Strive to be happy!!
Max Erhman original poem 'Desiderata' (edited slightly for sense with apologies to the author WD)