So what is is that I'm going to write about here that I wish I wasn't? Rope inflicted injuries!

Rope isn't safe, especially not suspension. However having said that  it doesn't mean that we should accept injuries as a matter of course, they should be few and far between. I am horrified when people shrug off injuries to models with an 'oh well, these things happen'. Well once in a while maybe. When there are repeated injuries occurring it's time to ask yourself some serious questions.

When it comes to injuries some people are more 'unlucky' than others. Generally the better a rigger is the 'luckier' they tend to get. Bad riggers just tend to have more 'accidents' the more they rig.

Now I would expect someone who has inflicted multiple injuries to stop rigging so much, to go and look at the common themes in these injuries, to work very hard to stop them occurring again. What I'm horrified to hear is 'well these things happen'. Yeh, they happen to you don't they? Can we guess why?

When it happens to multiple models in multiple sessions you have to look for the factor that's common to all the injuries. And that common factor is likely to be the person tying. In all the tying I've done, all the models, all the time, all the suspensions I've had 3 nerve injuries. Two of those I've identified the cause and can ensure that they won't happen again. One I simply have no concrete idea, I've spoken to medical professionals, never had the same problem with other models and just can't pin it down and believe me I've tried. Given all that I still feel that it's too many injuries. I'd like to not have another one. I know that the possibility is always there, it's a risk that has to be recognised and born for what we do. It's not one to be taken on lightly either.

So, what about someone that's causing injuries as a matter of course? Who shrugs it off, oh it was 'unlucky', a 'peculiarity' of the model, just 'one of those things'? It's not just one of those things if it keeps happening. If it keeps happening then something is wrong. And that thing... is you!

Please, please, if you keep having 'accidents' like this be grown up enough to realise that it's not in fact 'unlucky' it's bad rigging. And if you're not up to owning this and doing something about it then you are a bad rigger and should not be trusted to tie up anyone knowing not just that injury is possible but that it's likely and, knowing that you don't know what you're doing well enough to prevent it happening over and over.

I wish I was not writing this. I wish I did not see this. If it was just one person then maybe I still would not be writing this but as I see again and again that there are those so arrogant and wilfully self deluded that they will put repeated 'accidents' down to anything other than their own incompetence I feel it's better that I do for all the slim hope I have that it might do some good.

It is a noble and worthwhile aim.

Sometimes people get this exactly right, they include intelligent and reasonable people of all views in debate. It results in some of the more interesting forum discussions.

Sometimes though people let their desire to be seen as even handed and reasonable allow that desire to override good sense and they invite people not on the grounds that they are sensible, reasonable and intelligent contributors of all views, but simply because they disagree.

Sometimes people disagree because they are fundamentally wrong but cannot see this, sometimes because they lack the mental wherewithal to understand the argument, sometimes because they hold some ridiculous dogma and therefore lack the capacity to debate and sometimes they're just plain old fashioned mentalists.

Inclusiveness does not mean "I must include my everyone because they're opposed". Neither does it mean including a representative of every conceivable view, no matter how loony-tunes it may be. What it really means is including those that have a contribution to make from all viewpoints... providing that they are legitimate view points. Deciding what is a 'legitimate' view-point can be tricky to an extent but really just involves your ability to see if the position can be argued rationally or not regardless of your agreeing with it or not.

Including people just because 'they disagree' is not even handed, rational or likely to promote debate. And doing it doesn't make you look 'statesmanlike' it makes you look like a prat!

I'll write more about this trip as it unfolds but for now...

It's just a hostel!

Well it's kind of an unbelievable fairyland vibe.

Good flight, got out in the snow and down the street to get some food and coffee. This is the view as we return to the hotel.

It's an experience!

'Common' sense is in fact the product of not only experience, but also of learning from it. It is not some innate something that magically turns up all by itself.

Sometimes people who are new to the scene do things and we look at them and think they have no common sense at all.

There are occasions where these lapses are due to a simple lack of knowledge, sometimes due to a failure to apply general life lessons to a specific circumstance. Sometimes people genuinely do things that aren't sensible in a way that has nothing to do with scene specific knowledge. (Sorry no free pass just for being new on general sense)

The crucial thing and the means to acquire sense is to learn from experience. Not only kink experience but also general life experience too. It's important to remember that normal life does not end where kink begins, there is not a sudden demarcation where something that was just plain insanely dumb in general life became something you couldn't possibly have guessed about within a kink context. (OK so here's a really naff example. It's generally not a good idea to nip off without telling anyone with nobody to miss you and no idea of the character of the person you're meeting in a private setting for intimacy in the vanilla world, it's still not sensible in the kink world.)  Yes, that's an extreme example, No it's just for illustration. No it's not the only kind of thing I'm thinking of. Yes it's just one example from many that might be made.

Also a really good thing is to learn from the experience of others. You don't have to make every mistake personally in order too learn. It should be pretty obvious that you don't actually have to get third degree burns before you realise that holding your hand in a naked flame is a bad idea. The whole human race worked that out long ago and so thoroughly that it got built in.

There are a whole slew of things that people do that ought to be obviously contrary to common sense though. This is why I think that 'common' sense is a misnomer. It's just not that common.

Every day people do things that have obviously and publicly been seen to go wrong, yet still they get done.

And yet... in some circumstances what we might from an experienced point of view think was obvious common sense is not obvious to people with less experience.

They key to our sympathies should probably be spotting the difference.

Surely it should be obvious where people screwed up because they simply didn't know and when they just did something that was stupid on a universal level right? I mean we shouldn't think people are stupid because they just didn't know something, shake our heads and dismiss their misfortune as a lack of common sense.

Where's the sense in that?

They do this in their pursuit of a fantasy.

In doing so they deprive themselves of the joys of this beautiful, wondrous and surprising reality.

We find great joy in our fantasies, they are wonderful playgrounds of the mind and should be enjoyed as such.

They should not be the basis of a denial of the very reality from which we construct the very stuff not only of our dreams but also our achievements.

It is in reality where we may love that which is before us and not that which we hope may be if we wish for it enough.

Though one needs to dominate and one needs to submit. One is nothing without the other and their worth is balanced.

As people we are enhanced and lifted each by the other and not by virtue only of our part within our relationship.

The way we choose to live does not make one less than the other.

However you live, however you run your life, whatever your dynamic, any good relationship must consider the needs of each person not only the fulfilment of one and not the other no matter which way you find your fulfilment, through control or through losing it.

This is an equal relationship. It exists because of the needs, desires and love of those within it.

I say this because... things can be defined, described, they have fixed attributes, you know what they are and can talk about them with confidence knowing what they are and what to expect.

Things are defined, people are not things.

People aren't like that. They are not things easily defined, they are many things at all times. Labelling them defines them in some ways. Labels, except in the broadest possible sense are misleading. I think I tend to think of people as an ongoing process, one that changes through time, changes with experience, because of experience, develops and changes constantly to a greater or lesser extent.

Things are static, people are not things.

The words we use to describe people are useful to communicate descriptions, likes, dislikes, tastes, preferences, thoughts, about people so long as we don't think of people as being wholly defined by those words. This is particularly important where some words are 'loaded' with particular associations. This can lead people to associate value with people dependent on these words separate from that individuals worth.

Things don't think, people are not things.

We all have facets, we cannot be defined by one of them alone, it's important to remember that people are complex and full of contradictions. Logical, emotional, irrational, evolved and primal. We are in some respects prey to instincts, desires and lusts that we have no control over and are the consequence of millennia old evolutionary processes. Yet we can channel these, control them, use them for pleasure, tap the lizard brain leftovers and be our primal selves channelled by our higher brain functions.

Things don't feel, people are not things.

We are what we are, but also what we make ourselves. We are the product of our evolutionary heritage, primal instincts, education, environment, experiences and memories. We are complex brilliant and foolish. We are animals and philosophers.

People are not things.

The thing about good relationships is that they’re all, partnerships. I often see the mistaken beliefs either that the dom is completely in charge (or a heartless abuser) and the sub is powerless (or a victim), or the equally mistaken one that the sub is in charge (or a manipulator) and controls everything.

So who has control really? Both!

Both have to agree to their activities, both engage in them together, both are responsible for their actions and to communicate. Both can say no, both can walk away if it’s not working.

A relationship that does not fulfil both parties needs is one that I think is doomed to fail.

These are real world relationships I'm talking about. Sometimes people are seduced by or try to live a fantasy. Sometimes actually abusive and/or manipulative people use people's desire for these fantasies to try to get them to accept things where normally they would not. If you try to live an unrealistic fantasy that does not acknowledge the humanity and needs of both parties that’s pretty much a recipe for disaster from the word go. The ‘popular’ current ’50 shades’ type of view of dom/sub relationships is nothing like any real long term relationship I can think of any more than the story of O types of fantasy from years ago.

Good relationships work because each partner brings something different to the relationship, something that fits with the other partner. Sometimes (but not always) these qualities are opposite or complimentary. They, if you like, ‘fit together’. And as the word partnership implies, or at least should imply… both parts are equally important and equally responsible.

Now normally I just sigh and let these comments go but...

Here is an example that I'm quoting wholesale.

Personally I'd like to see this type of behavior re-branded as 'abusive' rather than 'predatory'.

A) because it IS abusive and contains a set of classic warning signs about dangerous/abusive relationships that apply outside the kink setting and only expands upon it within kink.

B) there are plenty of folk in the kink community for which being a 'predator' has NOTHING to do with the behaviors listed here and their style is done in the SSC manner we aspire towards.

This particular labeling does extreme disservice through being unable to freely talk about and enjoy types of play without having to clear the air of assumed stigmas and warnings from the entire community that don't apply.

While there's no with point 'A' argument that yes it is abusive, why not predatory when that is in fact a perfectly good description of what it is?

Point 'B' however I do take issue with. My issue with it is frankly, so what? That's their business and I'm not saying that they shouldn't or whatever. It's perfectly plain what I am talking about and what 'predator' means in this context.

This final paragraph. I'm going to re-quote it here on its own so we can examine it clearly.

This particular labeling does extreme disservice through being unable to freely talk about and enjoy types of play without having to clear the air of assumed stigmas and warnings from the entire community that don't apply.

I mean seriously? You have to be kidding right?

You see the thing is that you don't see people saying I'm into 'rape play' and I don't want the word 'rape' used for rapists because it means I'm unable to talk freely about and enjoy that kind of play without assumed stigmas and warnings from the community that don't apply!

Well, surprise! People do talk about rape play without saying things like that. People have discussions all the time without people assuming that they're really rapists. People dress up in school uniform and play without people gormlessly assuming that a statutory rape is being perpetrated. People have partners who are 'littles' and talk about being freaking 8 or whatever without people assuming them to be paedophiles.

Do you know why?

Because most of us are not fucking stupid, that's why!

Because most of us are adults and realise the difference between playing with these concepts and the reality that actual rape is a terrible and horrifying thing. Because grown-ups know that context matters.

In my earlier post I referred to predatory behaviour because it is predatory, these predators prey on the vulnerable. It's what I wrote it's what I meant and I have absolutely no sympathy at all with the above quoted 'opinion' or with the namby pamby posturing of outrage in the face of the actual issue that the post was about which was people being preyed on by predators.

Do you really think that real predators should not be called predators because some people might like to use the word in another context? Rape shouldn't be called rape anymore because some people like play rape? Real people really get abused and this is your concern? Really? This is your concern?

Like it or not the use of predator is correct warranted and means exactly what it should in the context of this the post. The desire to water the language until no word is not denuded of real meaning because for some people in a play scenario "being a 'predator' has NOTHING to do with the behaviors listed here" is such amazing up your own ass bullshit I can barely find words to describe it.

I posted because real people (some personal friends) have really been preyed on by real predators and this is your chosen response?

Well thank you for posting, thank you for showing us what goes on in what you are pleased to call your mind.

I recently wrote a short article on being new to the scene. In all honesty it got a lot more of a reaction that I'd been expecting. It was really just about sense and taking care of yourself as a newcomer to the scene.This is by no means comprehensive but it does include a few of the more obvious warning signs off the top of my head.

• Attempting to isolate you from information.
• Attempting to isolate you from your friends.
• Attempting to prevent you from talking to experienced people within the scene.
• Ignoring limits.
• Being told that you can't have limits.
• Being told that slave contracts are legaly binding.
• Telling you that theirs is the only true way.
• Extravagant and unrealistic claims of experience.
• Stories changing and becomeing more exagerated.
• An attitude that there's nothing for them to learn.

In a way it's a little depressing. I've been into kink for more than 20 years now and I can remember people talking about predators when I first found the local scene. The advice I can give and the signs to identify the predatory time are little changed in all that time. From since before the internet (if you can believe there was such a time) the cycles of human behaviour have remained much the same.