Tying like me.
Sometimes people say that they would love to learn to tie like me. Can I teach them?
First I have to say that I consider these requests to be some of the highest compliments you can receive as someone teaching bondage. It really is personally something of a thrill when someone says something like that. It is however not possible.
I can't teach people to tie like me. But it's possible that I can, given time help them to do something much more satisfying and help them to learn how to tie like them.
I, no matter how much I may wish to can never tie like one of the greats that I admire. I can learn from them. I can observe them, I can be inspired by their ties. I can emulate some of their tying to better understand it. I cannot however really understand their thought, feeling or style completely. It effects mine but it is not mine. Their inspiration and something of their aesthetic that struck a chord with me however does become part of my style. And a persons style grows over time with the accumulation of experience, practice, observation, and study.
As a teacher I can I think help people to embark on their personal rope bondage journeys. I can never travel it for them though. Their journey is not mine, mine is not theirs, my experience cannot be theirs either, though they can benefit from it.
It can be that you see a disappointed face when you tell someone that they cannot learn to tie as you do. But for those that have the potential to do well they will grasp that this is not a bad thing. It is an opportunity for self discovery, to know yourself, to be yourself. Surely this is a good thing?
I cannot teach you to tie like me, be glad of that.
Self taught
Often online I see people advised to go and get tuition, especially when it comes to suspension. This is a perfectly reasonable piece of advice; and yet people argue against it with such phrases as 'so and so was self taught and they're good'.
OK that's a point of view but for the most part those that are 'self taught' are those that didn't have access to competent teachers. They had to learn by trial thought and unfortunately on occasion error. Just because it's possible to learn that way it doesn't mean it's an ideal way of learning and certainly doesn't recommend it as a preferable path.
I have something of an issue with the phrase 'self taught' in any case. I have learned from many people, most of whom have not 'taught' me at all but who I've learned from by observation. Technically you can say I taught myself but in reality some my knowledge was derived from theirs. I have built on this knowledge, drawn my own conclusions, made my own explorations too. It is this that allows us to develop, be individual, make our own contributions.
This is true to some extent for everyone. Nobody, even those held up as examples of the self taught live in a vacuum. From the moment you become aware of the work of others you cannot help but be informed by it.
We are all inspired by, learn from, our contemporaries and those that went before. In this world of mass communication, the internet, video and books, we are never truly isolated from information. With easy international travel we are no longer isolated from the best teachers even if they are on the other side of the world.
It depends.
People often ask questions in relation to bondage that are impossible to answer.
- How long is too long
- How long is tingling acceptable for
- How long can someone stay in this
- How many wraps do you need
- How heavy is too heavy
- etc...
These questions broadly all have the same answer... it depends.
This is because every situation, bondage, model, tie and every day is different. How long you can do anything with bondage for is dependent on a multitude of factors. Obvious one might think but still people want an answer that they can apply ‘roughly’; even rough answers are highly subjective.
Person A may have good circulation, be a healthy weight and have good muscle tone. Person B may have poor circulation, be morbidly obese and have no muscle tone. This is an extreme example but it must be obvious that the answer to “Roughly how long can someone hang in this suspension” will depend massively on the person being tied. It will also depend on how tired, hydrated, fed... etc. etc. the person is. It will also depend on how they’re tied, how tight, with what rope... etc. etc. the bondage is done with. It will also depend on how hot or cold... etc. etc. the place where the bondage takes place is. And on what else you’re doing, have done... etc. etc. during play or the day. Also psychological effects play a large role in how people react to stressful bondage. So if someone is pissed off, sad, depressed, happy... etc. etc. It effects the answer to these questions.
Sometimes I think the most disturbing thing about these questions is the fact that even people that aren’t exactly new to bondage seem to not know why they’re unanswerable in any very useful form. Even giving a general estimate is going to be a liability if someone is going to take that estimate as some kind of reasonable working figure and watch the clock rather than actually understanding what’s actually going on.
So what is the answer?
The real answer is not always a popular one. The real answer is that you have to develop judgement. This means learning about a variety of things over time, and that means developing experience and judgement. And that means hard work, observation, study, practice, not expecting everything to come at once, and... not expecting easy pat answers.
Lizard brain leftovers
I can’t help thinking that there is a duality in humanity between the ‘civilised’ lives we lead and the primal urges lurking beneath the surface. I think that this duality of humanity is of great relevance and interest in terms of BDSM where we create a framework within which we can exploit, play with and enjoy our fundamental desires consensually.
Typically we build sophisticated structures to exploit and extract these urges. We use language, visual imagery, clothing, even technology to enhance the experience. Often something ritualistic surrounds these practices.
I think that as humans we can’t help but use, or if you like pervert the practices of everyday modern life into instruments of pleasure and pleasurable pain. A massager is turned into vibrating genital stimulator, cooking implements into impact toys, and of course, rope into an instrument of bondage and domination.
With every advance in technology comes an advance in human pleasure, Tesla coils power violet wands originally intended for health purposes for electrical stimulation and torture. Tens units invented for muscular rehabilitation for the torture of the helpless twitching ‘victim’.
All this to serve our most base instincts. And yet this is not a runaway process. We do not generally let ourselves run over into actual abuse. We require consent, even for the theoretically non-consensual aspects of our play. Sometimes this sounds convoluted and illogical. And yet we cannot deny that this is the case.
This then is the duality that causes a struggle. Our evolution makes us a tool using, reasoning, social creature but also we remain the animal, the primal lust filled beast.
Perhaps it’s a wonderful achievement is the satisfaction of both of these in kink. We control our primal lusts, fencing them around with ritual and social custom even where the normal social customs did not reach. We make our partners satisfaction part of the satisfaction or our own by seeking out complimentary partners. In the triumph of our social selves, the control of the primal, and yet the satisfaction of it too without descending into abuse we find again that which is unique about humanity.
I think that this makes us more human not less.
I don’t see what’s so special about…
Many times you see posts along the lines of "I don't see what's so special about..." be it was about, Nureki, Deneki, Yukimura etc. The common factor in many of these is that the comments often come from those who are new to bondage and they're speaking about those that are recognised by skilled riggers as being very good. In some cases world renowned good.
It's sometimes possible to see why these comments can be made. I've realised over time that the more skilled someone becomes the more equipped they become to recognise skill in others. Also the kind of skills that are perceptible change over time.
Perception changes with the ability to perceive, the ability to perceive changes with practice, experience and skill. What looks good to beginners tends to be symmetrical, neat. Often people are attracted to the fancy or impressive looking ties. Beginners often like the spectacular, and suspensions are given very high priority.
Often people will ask the question "What's so special about..." people who have been seen as amongst the best for oh 20 or 30 years or longer, not only in Japan but now further throughout the world.
What might be a good question is; what do other people see that the questioner doesn't. Or maybe they were just fooling everyone, partners, photographers, film makers, students... for decades without anyone noticing until they, alone in all the world did. Or they might want to consider that they could, just possibly be missing something.
When I think of rope
When I think of rope it is such a humble thing, such a workman like product of the artisan. Such a simple thing with which to enthral the senses and to bind the body and spirit of another.
And yet, in this unassuming and humble item we find the perfect means for the expression of our desires to capture utterly the spirit, mind and body of another.
Our rope becomes the extension of ourselves that reaches where we cannot, that embraces beyond our reach and holds beyond our strength.
Because of this our rope becomes personal to us in a special way. Like the tool of a craftsman. So we care for and attend to the needs of our rope as we care for something with a value we cannot express. We prepare and ready it for its role, we care for it after use.
It is after all, an extension of ourselves in our most intimate endeavours.
Accidental
Sometimes awful things happen, not because the person who was doing them was awful but because something went awfully wrong. An equipment failure, an error of judgement, a slip, a miscalculation.
I saw a performance, there was an error, the model nearly dropped.
- Before the performance I really liked them.
- After she nearly dropped her I really liked them; even though my heart was in my mouth for her.
- If she'd have dropped I would have still liked them; even though I would be so very concerned for her.
There was a mistake, an error of judgement, a narrowly avoided catastrophe.
What there wasn't was maliciousness, carelessness or arrogance.
Please note that I liked them as people before, during and after. This incident during the performance did not in any way effect my judgement or feeling for them as people.
I have seen people's reputations attacked, their competence and attitude questioned, their character questioned because they made a mistake.
Sometimes things do go wrong because people used inappropriate technique or equipment. Sometimes because they made the wrong choices or did not consider likely problems. Sometimes it's the persons fault very clearly. But on other occasions it's worth considering that sometimes human beings make honest mistakes or commit an error of judgement under pressure.
Every incident, accident and circumstance is different. I think people should, if they can, step back, consider things rationally and at least give head room to the idea that human frailty is the true culprit. On mature consideration it may be that it wasn't but it's the apparent failure to consider the human dimension that leaps out at me.
Whatever the conclusion, try to remember that you are talking about humans, they do have feelings, which can seem to be forgotten in on-line discussions sometimes. Your words can effect them deeply.
p.s. I have wondered in light of recent events if I should post this article. I wrote the outline of this post after the event where the incident I referred to took place. I have hesitated to post the completed article in case it was taken as oblique reference to another more recent event. However I'm hoping that people will read this for what it is, especially given this note.
Doing it by the book.
When it comes to suspension should people do it by the book? For instance should you have a fixed check list and tick off your safety checks? Should it be a rigid and defined procedure, set and unchangeable?
The answer to this is a loud and very resounding no! Fixing things in this way is the enemy of creativity, the enemy of development, the enemy of growth.
On the other hand...
Certain things should be checked, some, before you start, like the health of the suspension rig and your equipment which should be checked out in a methodical manner. When tying load bearing lines during a suspension they should be tied and locked in an appropriate manner.
Where the difficulty arises is in determining what is an appropriate manner.
What is appropriate changes depending on what is being done, with whom in what circumstances. This will in the end be to some extent a matter of judgement. To be able to make this kind of judgement a person needs knowledge and experience.
You cannot replace knowledge and experience with a check list.
What we do changes who we are.
What we do changes who we are, we are made of our memories and our experiences. When we engage in an activity or a course of action the experience of that, the memory the sensations becomes part of us. The person we are after the experience is therefore a different one to the person before the experience.
Sometimes I wonder if taking pleasure in self gratifying activities makes a person more selfish but finding gratification in the giving and sharing of pleasure makes us more sharing and selfless, at least in the some areas of activity.
It is said that people don't change, but I do not believe this. I believe that we change all through our lives to a greater or lessor extent. How much we change and in what direction I think we can, at least to some extent consciously direct.
You can decide to take a selfish path or a less selfish one. You can decide to learn or to remain in ignorance. You can decide to admit your faults and repair them or you can deny them and remain as you are. You can admit when you are wrong and learn or you can twist and rage afraid of admitting your mistake. I think many decisions to take the more destructive path are born of fear and insecurity. A fear of becoming somehow less for admitting weakness or error when in truth you cannot grow, become stronger or learn without accepting and then repairing your weakness or accepting new learning.
Perhaps it is strange that the practice of bondage, the desire to be open and connected with my partner has lead me to examine these issues over the years and to wish to learn, grow, understand, not only myself but my partner in ways that lead to a richer interaction. Or perhaps it is not. Perhaps it is the decision to pursue this path has lead me to this. What I have done has changed who I am.
This can go wrong.
The unexpected can effect us all... unexpectedly. Many people say to expect the unexpected. With respect to rope bondage and suspension the number things that could go wrong is large but finite we therefore can be prepared for the majority of likely happenings.
One thing that occurs to me is that there is a difference between knowing what to do about something and coping with something in the heat of the moment. It's something you will only ever find out when it happens.
When it comes to something going unexpectedly wrong, overconfidence and arrogance are the enemies of preparedness, the assumption that something will not go wrong for you. This can lead to ill preparedness and inattention.
Be aware of the risks, consider carefully if you are willing to accept responsibility for something going seriously wrong.
It's my opinion that you should always be aware that..
This can go wrong and have very real and serious consequences.
The dangers of what you are doing should be present in your mind.
Doing suspension bondage always carries risks, people sometimes talk of risk free and having methods that are less risky but there is no such thing as risk free and it's always, regardless of method more risky than not doing it. It is always a risk. It should be a calculated risk that you enter into knowingly and consentingly and with a grasp of the possible consequences and with a preparedness to accept the unhappy consequences of a mistake or failure. This cannot happen if you are not aware of the risks, it cannot be done responsibly without knowledge of how to deal with the possible problems, it cannot be done consentingly without both parties knowing the possible consequences and making an informed decision to enter into the activity.
I have seen people say that suspension is not an advanced skill, that it's easy and can be done safely with minimal knowledge. I cannot help but see these people as fools. You are literally hanging someone's life on your rope and your partner is quite literally trusting you with their life and well-being. This is not something to be casually regarded as a basic skill. You are by engaging in this act accepting responsibility for that persons life, safety and well-being. Be aware of that fact.
There are no getouts and no letoffs. It is absolutely incumbent upon you to know your business and to take that business and your responsibility seriously.